Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
