I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
