i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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