Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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