Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Randomize