I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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