if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
