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we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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