when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
