I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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