i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
