My underwear smells like fireworks.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
