my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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