can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
