I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
