uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Can I color on your dick again?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize
