After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
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