Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
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