i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize