I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
