We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
