she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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