He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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