alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
