Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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