He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Randomize
