Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
