I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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