Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
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He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
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Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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