im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I got inside last night via doggy door
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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