her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
