I think i sorta joined a cult last night
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
