that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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