If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
