Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
