I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I love you. Go after that dick
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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