while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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