Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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