why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
