if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
i think my cat just said my name.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
