Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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