If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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