Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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