Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
