you guys were way drunker than both of me
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
