she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
