watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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