dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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