How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
