She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
