i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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