Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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