Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
19 People Did The Wildest Things When They Were Black-Out Drunk
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
21 Signs That A Dude is Probably Insane
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!