Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
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My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
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We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.