Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
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Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
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I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!