Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
