I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
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I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
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He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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